Getting Older

Fair warning:  This is not a happy post.  Proceed at your own risk.

The best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend.  

-Cali Rae Turner

Getting Older.  It's something we all do.  We have a birthday every year, we celebrate what our lives have brought that year.  Typically, we celebrate with family.

My sister, Shana, and I.  Laughing.

Today, I should be celebrating with my sister Shana.  Today, I should tease her because she is turning 29.  I should be able to tease her about getting old and in one more year, she'll be the dreaded 30.  Because we all know, she would have teased me about how old I was when I turned 30.

And, she would say, "And yet, I'm still younger than you!"

Instead, I spent last night freaking out about getting a run in today despite the weather forecast, because I know I won't make it through the day without that run.  Instead, I'm wishing I'd HAD those extra ten years of teasing from my sister.  (Or am I missing the extra ten years I should have been teasing her?).

I didn't always tease her.  I was actually quite protective of her.

It's sad for me to think that I have a lot of really close friends now that never even met my sister.  They never got to be on the receiving end of one of her well timed sarcastic remarks.  They never got to be the victims of the Mandy-Shana spades duo.  They never got to sit quietly in the car afraid to move while I threatened to throw my sister out for badmouthing my favorite Supreme Court Justice.

In a month, I'll run my first marathon.  My sister won't be the obnoxious short girl in the feather boa, tutu and cowbells cheering like a maniac as I come around a corner.  But, she would have been.  

Shana wearing ALL her Christmas Gifts one year.

Unfortunately, nine and half years ago, my sister Shana chose to take her own life at the age of 19.  It's still the worst day of my life.  I miss her every single day.  These days, most of the days, it's a simple sort of missing:  "Shana would've loved this", or "Shana would've hated that."

Today, not so much.  Today, it's "Avery would've loved her crazy Aunt Shana".
It's "Shana should have thanked me in an academy award speech by now".   All of them thought with copious amounts of tears.  It's not fair that Avery has to grow up without all the crazy experiences and opinions Shana would have exposed her to.  It's not fair that I don't have my sister to call when I've just had a bad day and need someone to snap me out of it.

I hate knowing that I am a very different person today than I was the last time I spoke with my sister.  Would she even recognize the woman I've become?

Happy Birthday Little Sister.  I love you so much.  And my heart breaks whenever I focus on the fact that you simply aren't here.

Shana and I, Summer 1996.

There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for-granted relationship.

- Iris Murdoch