Not Okay

I apologize in advance - but the mood in this post is not going to be an upper.  Here's a really funny Avery picture to make up for it.

Let's get those clothes off of you.

A lot of my friends check in with me from time to time to see how I am doing since my mom died.  I usually just say "I'm okay." It's quick, easy and doesn't require any real response.  As long as I am busy and not left alone too long, I generally am OK.  I guess you could say that I've been dealing by NOT dealing.


Last night was one of those night that makes you pay for not dealing.


I wish I could go back in time, back to the days when I still thought my mom walked on water, where we spoke on the phone almost every day.  Back before  the end of college, when my mom made it to my graduation because we flew her in.  Back before, I realized that my mom wasn't really good at calling me.  Back before my mom only made it to my wedding because Mark and I paid to fly her, my stepdad and my half brother in.  Back before my sister died and all the things I realized in that aftermath.


My mom was so much fun when you were with her in person, but if you lived part way across the country as I did these recent years, not so much.  One of the things my Dad has told me often in the last couple weeks was to remember the good times.  But, remembering the good times HURTS so much more.  When I remember the bad things, I can just be mad at her and not her so damn much.


The good times.  Back when I was little and we walked in the park near her apartment back in Houston.  We stopped at EVERY clover patch looking for that elusive 4-leaf clover.  Later, in NJ, the Dunkin Donuts trips after her paper route where we indulged in delicious Bavarian creme donuts.  The many times when we visited the Jersey shore and played every game and ate every bad-for-you food on the boardwalk.  The sand castle I bought on one of those trips to the Jersey shore still sits in my bath room, a reminder of the good times...and I can't stand to look at it.


My mom HATED having her picture taken.  I was trying to find pictures of her in digital form after she died, and I really don't have many.  It's horrifying and makes me think that I was a horrible daughter that I don't have enough pictures or good memories in recent years.


And then, to top off the daughter of the year award - one of my self-pitying thoughts last night was about how my first mother's day with Avery will be overshadowed by the fact that it will be my first mother's day without my Mom.  


My husband went out to the store last night when I said a giant piece of cake or a cupcake would help me feel better...and he brought home a GIANT cupcake.  It did help a bit.

It's so big, I could only eat half of it.

So, the fact is, I miss the mom I had when I was little and didn't know any better...and I miss the relationship I could have had with my mom.  I grieve that reconciliation is no longer possible.  I regret the lost time more than I can say...and that more than anything makes me cry EVERY time I think about it.


For anyone that made it through this complete sobfest, thank you for listening, I'm sorry to be such a downer.  I will make up for it with another cute Avery picture....

In my dreams, I'm a ninja.

Thank you so much to all my friends and family that are there to support me, whether I show how much I need it or not.

Random Wednesday

Another Wednesday, another post of randoms.


Avery is trying solids again.  First day of non-formula foods was Sunday.  Green Beans.  I know, I'm evil.  She ate a lot of them...but on Monday decided that Green Beans were not tasty and refused to eat more than a bite or two.  Tursday we decided to try Pears.  Whatever the item - here facial expressions for these first foods are PRICELESS and super hilarious.

You call this FOOD???

Tuesday was my Mother's birthday.  She would have been 56.  She still looked like she did when I first went to college though.  Everyone keeps saying how much we looked alike.  I remember when I used to visit in High School, and she LOVED it when people mistook me for her sister.

I hope I look as good or better in my 50's

A new race to consider was suggested to me by Sarah.  The North Country Run.  It has a half, a full and an Ultra.  It's a trail run and has the biggest medal I've ever seen.  The site says it's the largest half marathon/ultra and largest marathon medal in the country. It's only about a 5 hour drive from here.  I've already been chatting with Laurie about the potential of the Ultra in 2013....I wouldn't be crazy alone.

I want a medal for a face!

I had a dream Monday night about running a half marathon that consisted of running a lot of laps.  But not normal laps of trails or tracks...it was through a house and involved stairs and dodging laundry.  It actually made me ask my husband - is my subconscious wanting me to sign up for the Last Chance For Boston lap race?


Most of you know that because of a canceled flight, I DNS'd for the First on The First race.  My fellow NOBO peeps and the other mentor/training buddy Deb ran in it.  

The entire NOBO training group just before the race

After the race, Deb wanted to give me HER medal to recognize what I'd done to get to that point, and perhaps partly because she used my bib to run it.  It was absolutely a sweet and humbling gesture!  (I'm sure it's partly because this medal has a BLUE ribbon, but the Universe clearly only wants me to have red ones).  While I thanked Deb from the bottom of my heart, I am not keeping her medal.  I cannot keep a medal for a race that I did not complete, it would never feel right to me.  It's not the first time I've said this, nor the first time I've stuck to it despite an opportunity for an extra medal.


I need to rework my training schedule after today.  The flaw in my plan of 3 runs a week instead of 4 became evident today when I had to miss a run.  That means I'll only have 2 runs for the week under the current plan.  I'm going to add back in Monday or Sunday runs.


Last, but not least, be sure to check out this awesome Sunglasses giveaway at The Studly Runner, as well as, this awesome safety giveaway at I Run Because...I can.


Would you run a race just to get that giant medal?


Have you ever run a race that consisted of running laps on a track?  Good, bad?


How many times do you run in a week?  How many is too few during training?

Rainier Training: JEANS

Quick Look Week of Jan 9 -Jan 15:

# of Workouts: 11 

# of miles ran/walked: 20

Weight: 193.8 (Down 0.4 lbs from previous week)

Chest: 41.5" (No change)

Hips: 49"  (Down 1" from previous measurement)

Monday: 2.2 mile walk with Cassie; 1 hour ST with Adam
Tuesday: 2.79 walk/run with Kiddo and Dog; 3.33 miles running
Wednesday: 1.3 mile walk with Cassie; 45 ST with Adam
Thursday: 3 mile run
Friday: Rest day
Saturday: 5 mile run with MIT; 2 hour Yoga 101 Workshop
Sunday: 2.2 mile walk with Cassie

Irony.  The week before last, I ate out almost every meal while traveling and only did a few exercises on the weekend.  I lost over 2 lbs.  This week, I had over 8 hours of workouts and ate decently well (except at the hockey game)....and barely lost anything.  I blame Sarah and Mollie taking me to Hockey night and Funnel Fries.  Just saying.  :D

I did have one exciting milestone this week - on Saturday - I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans!!!  And, not in a "I forced-them-to-zip-when-I-really-shouldn't-have" way.  No.  I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans.  WOOHOO!

Me, Mollie and Sarah at Hockey and Heels

Tried out Avery in the jogger at the beginning of the week while the spring-in-January weather was still blessing us with it's presence.

This bed is comfy.

The first time out worked like a charm.  The second time out - when I was with another human being - didn't.  Coincidence?  I think not.  :)

Whatever Lady, shouldn't you be working out or something?

The Saturday morning run with MIT was absolutely FREEZING!  A couple people in my pace group even fell.  Luckily, I was not one of them.  I also tried out my Amphipod belt for the first time.  That's me in the pink jacket.

Nice view of my butt.

A new toy arrived today for me to try out this coming week.  A Garmin footpod.  NOW, I can prove that my treadmill reads slow.  :D

Hopefully, this week, all the workouts will pay off in more than just inches.  :)

How was your training week?  Did you have the same sudden change to DAMN COLD that we did?

What's your favorite stadium/arena food?

Product Review: Saucony Ulti Mitt II

These are by far the most expensive gloves I have ever owned.  I don't typically buy pricey things that I can take off on a run and lose.  (Just ask my husband about me and sunglasses!)  Before these, the most expensive running gloves I'd owned were $10.  (These gloves were $45 before my discount at Fleet Feet).  Right now, though, they are on sale direct from Saucony's website for $34.


Meeting a running group in a running store pre-run can be a bad thing.  You get tempted to buy all kinds of running items that you might not have bought otherwise.  These gloves were one such item.  They are pretty snazzy.  They are reflective and come in different colors.  I've been into pink running gear lately, so I got pink.


They come with a rechargeable light, which can shine or flash.  (It recharges by plugging into a USB port).  Very handy for looking at your watch or anything else on dark runs.

As you can see in the first picture, they are both gloves AND mittens.  There is an outer portion the slips over the fingers.  They are actually quite thin, which is a good thing, in my opinion, for a running glove.  Because of how thin they were, though, I didn't originally think they'd be super warm.  They have a little opening in the forefinger of each glove, so that you can operate you touch iPod or iPhone.  I actually used that feature with great success during my run last night to check messages on my phone to double-check who in my running group was coming.

These gloves are AWESOME.  They are warm, moisture wicking and very functional!  The mitten part protects well from wet conditions.  (I ran with them in freezing rain once, and they still worked perfect).  They even have a thicker softer portion of the hand that my old NOBO coach insisted was a snot-spot.  HA!

The only downside of these gloves is the amount they cost.  They keep my hands warm enough that during last nights run (that occurred during a winter weather advisory) I took them off.  Unfortunately, I wasn't wearing my jacket with the convenient pockets.  I tried to shove them in a small rear pocket...and apparently failed.  When we'd finished and were standing around stretching and talking, my hands got cold again.  So, I pulled out my gloves glove.  I'd dropped one on the trail!  My group was nice enough to accompany me back on the trail to look for it.  Not only did I drop one, but I dropped the one that had the snazzy light on it!  Luckily, it was only 0.39 miles from the trailhead.


For someone who gets REALLY cold running, the thinness of the fabric might be a concern, but I had no problems at all.  I actually super heart these gloves.


Bottomline:  If you don't lose little things easily like I do - these gloves are worth every penny!  (And even if you DO lose them - they cost enough that you'll earn extra miles going back out for them!  HA!)

Random Wednesday

I thoroughly enjoyed the lack of focus for my last random Wednesday post, and may have to make these a thing.  


I changed the name of this blog to No Standing Still, as suggested by Lisa.  It's a play on my last name and the fact that I run AND climb mountains (hopefully).  I need to come up with a fun award package for Lisa for the great suggestion!  Any ideas?


I finally wrote a page about my Mt. Rainier climb for those that want to know more about that thing: Mt. Rainier.  I really need to start pushing hard for that training - because I want to see images like this in person!

This photo is from my stepbrother's successful climb last summer.  
Yes those are clouds behind them.

I am thrilled that my old NOBO crew has decided to continue our informal Tuesday night runs - I needed a good run last night!  Running has really become therapy for me.  It's not just the endorphin highs, but the company I keep while running.  We enjoyed above freezing temperatures in January again...but I think that's about to end soon...


WINNING!  I am so excited - I won my first thing in a LONG time!  I won a fitness assessment, nutrition plan and 5 class pass to PAI fitness in a giveaway on my friend Laurie's blog.  I'm so excited!  I'd already signed up for the Yoga 101 and 102 workshops (101 is this weekend).  I'm extremely excited for the assessment and plan though...because I'm a long way from where I want to be!  


Hopefully, my winning streak will continue and I'll win a spot in the New York Marathon Lottery!!!

Avery turned 5 months old yesterday - and decided that "It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to" should apply to her month birthday too.  She threw a complete fit on my failed walk.  But - she was still willing to pose for a few photos a bit later.

I'm lucky that I'm so cute.

Someone asked what a happy scream sounds like (from my Day of Firsts post), so to commemorate my 2012 goals, here's a happy scream!

After several delays, here are my goals for 2012:  (I use the word goals because I'm with a lot of people on the whole anti-resolution thing.  Many of these I've already started working towards.)

• Run my first half marathon post-baby in under 2.5 hours.  I'm slow, so for me this would be a PR.  :D   I would like to do this at my race in Knoxville in April, and then run a second better race at Cap City in May.
• Of course, just finishing at Cap City is a goal this year.  I have tried to complete the half marathon at this race twice and been foiled both times.  The first time, I cracked three ribs skiing.  The second time, terrible shin splints attacked and I was too focused on how pregnant I was and how I was in the VERY back of the field to power through.
• Run my first full marathon in the fall.  To that end - I applied for the New York Marathon.  If I am unsuccessful in that lottery, my intent is to run the Columbus Full Marathon in the Fall.
• Finish Relay Around Columbus!  My first race over 100 miles!  Of course, it's a relay, so I won't be running all 100 myself.

• Climb Mt. Rainier.  If I do not summit the mountain, I want it to be weather NOT physical conditioning that keeps me from the summit.
• Lose 40 more pounds before the climb, and maintain a weight of 150 or less by the end of the year.  I was caring extra weight before having Avery, and then gained more than I should have.  Carrying that much weight on the climb would make a hard thing even more difficult.  Not. Going. To. Do. It.
• Give the dog her time.  I intend to return to walking her every day instead of the tennis ball-throwing cop-out.  She's been a bit attention deprived since Avery came along...and threatened to move in with Laurie after her fun stay there.

That other house had other DOGS, not strollers.

Have you ever won anything?  Do you have any unusual plans for 2012?

Rainier Training: Hodge Podge

As most of you know, I've had a crazy couple of weeks.  We are back home from traveling for my mother's funeral and trying to settle back into our routines.  I will try to catch up in blogland during Avery's naps today...but I also promised Mark I'd pack up some Christmas decorations.  :)


I never did a week-in-review last week with the news about my mom - so this will sum up both weeks of training.


Quick Look Week of Dec 26-Jan 1:

# of Workouts: 5

# of miles ran: 13

Weight: 196.6 (Down 0.1 lbs from previous week)

Chest: No measurements taken

Hips: No measurements taken

Monday: Rest day
Tuesday: 3.5 mile run with my stepmom, 11:10 min/mile avg
Wednesday: 2 mile - 1 walk, 1 run (9:47 min/mile)
Thursday: 2.5 mile walk carrying Avery in Bjorn
Friday: 5 miles on elliptical
Saturday: Supposed to be travel day - flight canceled
Sunday: Supposed to run 6 miles - travel day

Quick Look Week of Jan 2-Jan 8:

# of Workouts: 4 (in 2 days)

# of miles ran/walked/hiked: 12

Weight: 194.2 (Down 2.2 lbs from previous week)

Chest: 41.5" (Down 0.5" from previous measurement)

Hips: 50"  (Down 2" from previous measurement)

Monday: My mother passed away - rest
Tuesday: Rest day as I packed and purchased what I needed to travel
Wednesday: Drove to NJ, Mother's Viewing
Thursday: Mother's funeral
Friday: Drive back to Ohio
Saturday: 7 blissful running miles!
Sunday: 2.64 mile hike carrying 25 lbs, 2.2 mile walk with Cassie

Honestly, with all the travel, I ate horribly for the past two weeks and for over a week, my exercise was TERRIBLE.  I'm shocked that I still managed to lose some weight...possibly because I overcompensated when I got back to Ohio and wanted to keep my mind off life's troubles.  

Me and My mother

I want to say a big thank to everyone who has brought brownies, sent cards, called, sent text messages and posted on my blog and on Facebook.  I have told many people that I am so thankful for the support structure I have right now.  It makes dealing with such a sudden and unexpected loss, while not easy, easier.  An extra shout-out to Laurie for taking such great care of my dog Cassie while I drove to NJ, and to Sarah for driving to my house and giving my cat his insulin injection for me.  Not having to worry about my furry children made it easier to focus my energy on dealing with the loss.  I cannot thank you both enough.

Some positives from the past week:

Mark and I made some extra strides in the mountain training yesterday, taking advantage of the awesome weather.  We loaded Avery into the Kelty pack for the first time, put on our mountain boots, and hiked in High Banks Metro Park.  Avery only cooperated for one loop of the trail - but it was a great start.  

I'm working hard to emulate all that junk mommy will have to carry on the mountain.

Other than the initial shock of the weight from the fully loaded pack (I also carried the water bottles, etc.), the weight didn't feel too bad and the pack balanced her perfectly on my back - no back pain!

Check out those snazzy boots!

Although I was very sad to miss the First on the First race that I'd trained for with all the NOBO peeps, I am thrilled that so many of them joined MiT and will be training for their first half marathon with me!  YAY!  We had our second first MiT workout on Saturday and the Ohio weather rewarded us with Spring in January.  I wore shorts.  In Ohio. In January.   Awesome.   Despite my bad week, I was even able to get my scheduled 7 in without pain!  Double YAY!

MiT gathered pre-run

MiT seems even bigger this year and I'm excited to be running with a new pace group and fully training with them while NOT pregnant!  To make things even better, my friends from NOBO and I are going to do informal group runs on Tuesdays and Thursdays...meaning I won't have to do many training runs alone.  Fabulous!

I hope everyone has had a wonderful couple of weeks and I look forward to catching up on all your blogs!

I have some other stuff in the works and will be more on top of the blog thing this week - promise!

How do you cope with grief/loss?

Have you ever carried weight while training?  What's the most weight you've carried?

Bad Start

I had every intention of posting a year-end review post and a resolutions post and the latest training post....and the update on Avery's travel for the holidays.


A couple things have derailed my plans and delayed me catching up in blogland.  The least problematic was the fact that our flight on the 31st was canceled....but the best was yet to come.


I woke up on January 1st because my phone buzzed that I had a Facebook message.  The message was from my stepdad and said

Mandy

Call me ##########mom passed away..

When I called him (immediately), he described what happened.  Bottom line is that my mom had a brain aneurysm burst near her brain stem.  She is actually on life support in the ICU, but apparently the hospital is calling him constantly about pulling the plug.  


My mom and I are estranged and haven't spoken much in the last year.  In fact, she hasn't even met Avery.  I cannot describe appropriately the mix of emotions that I am going through at the moment.


Needless to say - I will catch up when I can and am making no immediate promises.


Thank you to all who have given me so much support in the last 24 hours or so.   Thank goodness for Avery who has still managed to make me laugh and smile.


Mandy


Editor's note:  After posting this, I learned that they turned my mother's life support off at 11:12am.  The good news is that she did not suffer.